I just got home from seeing Xmen 3: The Last Grasp at Profit and, well, it sucked. Fortunately for you I’m not going to bore you with a review filled of nerd rage. Rather I’m going to bore you with the story of my encounter with a bum.

My friend Mark and I were standing at an intersection waiting to cross when we saw a bum across the street. In classic bum fashion he was yelling incoherent gibberish. At first I assumed he was yelling about the impending apocalypse as all bums are inclined to do at some point or another. I tried to ignore him as any educated person knows the apocalypse will come at the end of the Mayan calendar in 2012. I didn’t pay attention to him until I heard him yell “I fucking hate you, motherfucker.” Being a fan of the word fuck I began to give him the attention he deserved knowing that this was going to be interesting.

Whether he was drunk or had tourettes I do not know, but he continued ranting, yelling things like “I’ll fucking beat you bitch!” and “I break your fucking teeth!”. I found this amusing as he himself was missing some teeth. Everything was fine as there where four lanes of traffic between us but then he decided to up the ante. With a fearlessness only a man militantly unaware of his surrounds could muster he began to cross the four lanes of rush hour traffic. I thought to myself perhaps now I would get to see some entertaining violence and it wasn’t going to cost $9.50.

As the bum continued through the street I begin to realize he wasn’t just crossing anywhere. He was coming right at Mark and me while still yelling “Fuck you motherfucker” and “I’ll break your teeth!” When he got to our side of the street he walked right in between the two of us and yelled “I’ll fucking send you to the dentist bitch.” I saw Mark ready for a fight, while I readied to abandon him at the first sign of violence. The bum then stopped, turned around and began to stare at Mark. We tried to ignore him for a few moments until we realized he was not going away. Mark turned and looked him in the eye. The bum stared right back and said in a calm, almost sane voice said:

“That’s how you talk to women.”