So my first real post, with real content on College Sucks. Am I going to talk about college? Fuck no, that would be topical. I’m gonna talk about sports because every alcoholic needs an excuse to drink and sports is one of the best.*

I’m fucking tired of listening to people bitch about Barry Bonds. So naturally I’m going to continue the public dialogue by bitching about people who bitch about Barry Bonds. Most recently people have been getting upset that Bonds is about to pass Babe Ruth for second on the list for career home runs. Second! Quick, who has the second highest career batting average? Who has the second high career stolen bases? Unless you’re Rain Man you don’t know because no one gives a fuck about second. Call me when he’s about the pass Hank Aaron; then you might have a case.

What this is really about is steroids. People think he cheated, which he probably did but who cares. In fact I’m glad Bonds cheated, it means he’s doing everything he possibly can to help the Giants win. If he played for my beloved Mariners I’d want he to be shooting up everything and anything that would help him hit home runs. HGH? Sure! Heroin? If it helps. Straight adrenalin harvested from the dead body of a local bum? Hell yes! Fuck it, I want to see my team win, and if that means tossing a newly born child at the opposing outfielder while he’s trying to catch a fly ball then I’ll do it. And if Ichiro has a newly born child tossed at him in similar circumstances I want him to let the kid fall the earth and catch the damn ball instead!

This is baseball! I’m not paying $20 bucks for nosebleed seats and $8 a beer to see a well executed game of fundamentals. I’m paying to see behemoths such as Bonds, Pujols, and McGwuire smash a tiny ball 450+ feet. I want to see superhuman feats performed by mere mortals. And if that takes a little extra help then I’ll inject the HGH myself. If they’re all on the ‘roids then no one has an unfair advantage. So I say let ‘em all take the ‘roids. Problem Solved! Congress you can go home. I’ve just solved baseball’s steroids problem.

*By best I mean socially expectable. Any real alcoholic knows everything is a good reason to drink.